Sister, Sister

Dear Polyphemus,

My sister, the Spring Princess, and I have been getting into a lot of arguments lately. Quite frankly, I don't believe she respects me all that much. I've spoken with my parents and even to my sister about it, but it seems like she disreguards all that I said after a day or two and we're right back where we started!

I don't let her walk all over me, and I have stood up to her numerous times, but this only feuls the fire (and I don't like fire). She's younger than me and she thinks that she's the boss. What do I do?

Sincerely,
The Winter Queen

Dear Winter Queen-

The situation you describe is a difficult one. It reminds me of a time in my life when I was in love with a lovely nymph named Galatea. She had a sister named Doris, and let me tell you, the two fought all the time. I kind of liked it when they fought over me ("You're just jealous because he only likes me" "He only has one eye and thinks you're good looking--hmph!"), but actually, they argued about all sorts of other things. To be honest, arguing just seems like something that sisters do.

Then one day the young man who Galatea had fallen in love with met an "unfortunate" end as result of my furious, jealous rage. And do you know who was there to pick up the pieces for her? That's right--her sister, Doris. You see, it seems that sisters can bicker about things, but deep down, still really care for each other when it counts.

At least that's one thing I learned from the situation. Well, that and when a girl throws apples at you, it doesn't always mean she likes you.

Best of luck,

Polyphemus

Back Woes

Polyphemus:

I have great pain in my back and as you do heavy lifting of your stone door and mountain tops, I thought you would have some tips on avoiding lower back pain. Any stretches you can recommend?


Sincerely,

Quasimodo


Dear Quasimodo-

Contrary to popular belief, most lower back pain is not caused by muscle weakness and is therefore not alleviated by stretching the muscles. Instead, what you are experiencing is most likely caused by a dietary insufficiency. I would recommend a diet that is rich in large, fresh, animal proteins washed down by some undiluted wine. Take two at supper and two for breakfast, and this normally does the trick. After a few days of this therapy, you should be ringing those bells like it's 1999.

Sincerely,

Polyphemus